I guess there comes a time in your life when you’re hit with the realization that you just need to stop, take a step back, reassess and reconfigure. I have had these moments several times, but they have never been as momentous as it is recently where I feel like I was flung out of a roller coaster. Forget being hit by a train.
There I was going at 160 miles per hour, and even when I was told to slow down, I kept on going, just taking it all, the wind in my face, distorting it like crazy, taking the breath out of me. Then all of a sudden, my head couldn’t take it anymore, my emotions went on its own roller coaster, and I took off my seat belt and the rest is…as stated above.
As I pretty much jettisoned in the air, crying, screaming, yet deliriously relieved, I realized I was moving away from the roller coaster, obviously. Then, gravity started to do its thing, and I began to plummet. This is where you fall into bouts of depression. You don’t feel like doing anything. You refuse to do anything. You just feel like laying on your bed and sleeping and you don’t feel like you even want to wake up anymore. Just…whatever. Leave me alone.
I have as is my usual self, been analyzing why I have been feeling they way I have been feeling. I know several things for sure, well, as sure as I can right now at least.
I had taken on too much on my plate. I had done Dream, which was a full time thing and I had given my best. I didn’t multitask during Dream, so that meant that homeschooling was pretty much abandoned. I didn’t cook, I didn’t clean. The family took care of it. Right after Dream, I took on work. The family encouraged me. Because after all, they don’t want me to waste all that I worked for during Dream. Plus, they don’t want me to waste my ‘talent’ either, which is such a misnomer. They had high expectations of me.
I was reading something today about this book called Mindset. I had just put a hold on it at the local library. Its blurb tells about how smart children grow up feeling the need to maintain their ‘smart’ label and how children who have been labeled not so smart, grow up fulfilling that prophecy. I think I was suffering from the former condition. I felt the pressure. It’s funny. I’m almost 40, and I’m dealing with something that usually plagues younger people.
And so, while I was doing all this work, I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I exploded and collapsed. My children were shocked that I had quit. Some of them couldn’t understand why it was stressing me out so much. Maybe, I had performed so well all these years as supermom, that it came as a shock to them that my Energizer Bunny batteries sputtered and stopped. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.
Usually, when I had too much on my plate, I crossed them off and moved on. This time however, I hadn’t even completely recovered from Dream. I went on and ‘moved’ on with my life still at a fast speed. It was exhilirating at first, but the engine soon died on me.
Now that I’m not working, I actually feel a lot better. A LOT better. Of course, the normal course of life continues. But at least, I’m decluterring and packing and looking for a place to rent as a normal mom. I am able to pay attention to my children once again. I’m able to just sit and not think about work. I’m able to actually use my planner again as I used to before things got crazy. I’m able to actually look up things for my kids again, for their education. I feel more in my element.
I feel like I’m snapping back on the other end, and to be honest, I actually do feel somewhat averse to Bayyinah. I know that sounds bad. I feel that way, because of how I didn’t recognize the flashing warning signs in myself. Now, I feel like I’m getting away from it, so that I can find what is normal again. It’s like being stretched so thin, until you reach a snapping point, and you snap back all the way to the other end, and you want to stay there before tottering back to the middle. That’s how it feels right now.
What is the purpose of your face?
PIXAR HOME. All the above, as far as I am aware right now, that is the purpose of my face.