Ajrumiyyah & My Heart

“I’ll let him know you miss him.”

Then Ustaadh Nouman chuckled and said,

“He’s happy right now, away from you guys.”

We began Bayyinah Dream 2015 with Ustaadh Adam, and now he’s not teaching us and we won’t be having him as our teacher for a month. Ustaadh Nouman is teaching us Ajrumiyyah for these two weeks, and then Shaikh Abdul Nasir Jangda will be teaching us Hadeeth for a week in sha Allah. We’re right smack in the middle of the first week of Ajrumiyyah and even though we’ve learned most of what is also covered in Ajrumiyyah, most of us are having some issues grasping the translation and pace we’re going at. Last year apparently, it was reversed. Ustaadh Nouman taught the first and second quarter full time, and Ustaadh Adam taught Ajrumiyyah and tafseer.

The text is actually simple, and it’s basically a recategorization of what we have learned. It takes some getting used to, but because we had learned what we call the Noumaniyyah way, which is more geared towards English speaking students, going through Ajrumiyyah is not as bad as it would if we had started with it from the beginning. However, I personally was having trouble with the second homework.

What makes it personally worse for me is Ustaadh Nouman insisting that we write the text out even though we already have the print out. For me, this takes away from me focusing on the content because I’m too busy writing. Ustaadh Adam would always tell us to stop writing and listen and then he’d let us write later on. Ustaadh Nouman explained the reason why he wants us to do it this way. It’s so that we actually get what the Ajrumiyyah is about and can even expect what sentence is going to come next. I honestly don’t know if it’s working that way for other people, but for me, it’s not. I have to go back home after that day’s lesson and transfer my notes from the one in class with Ustaadh Nouman (Ustaadh Nouman forbade us to even look at the print out of the Ajrumiyyah text in class) to the Ajrumiyyah print out and then try to make sense of the whole thing.

Previously, I’d understand or be able to make sense of what is taught in class by the time class ended for the day. But with this, I have to study double the time. I have to chart it for myself, which is fine, but I feel stressed that I end the day not feeling like I have a good grasp of the day’s lesson. It’s just different from what we’ve been doing before. But it’s all good alhamdulillah. It’s all good. I do miss Ustaadh Adam though. So does the class.

I feel like I’m beginning to struggle now, not necessarily with Dream material, but with other personal issues. Is it mid life crisis? I don’t know. I never thought about it that way, but maybe it is, though I wouldn’t say it’s a crisis. I like to see it as a growth process for myself. The catalyst for this turmoil in my heart and mind is something I don’t want to share with anyone just yet.

I know, with all my heart, that I know the answers to these trigger thoughts in my head. I just need to go through this and process it. I have embraced this as a growth process that is necessary for me, and that in itself is a blessing. In fact, everyone goes through this in different stages of their lives. Had we not have to go through this, we would be stagnant.

One thing that I feel I’m needing so badly though, is to be away from people. 7 days of the week, I have to leave the house, and 6 days of the week I am in an environment where I’m surrounded by people, and not talking to any of them is impossible. I love these people, but as an introvert who is reenergized in solitude, I feel so drained being around people all the time.

Soon, it will be time for decision making. A major one. I’m relying on Allah to let things fall into place and show me what to do, and I ask that He put my heart at peace with whatever path I’m supposed to take.

2 thoughts on “Ajrumiyyah & My Heart

  1. Assalamu’alaikum Sis

    Saya doakan Allah mempermudahkan segalanya.

    Reading thru your blogs – especially on Bayyinah Dream – I admire your tenacity in what you are doing now. MashaAllah

    ( from a Malaysian who lives in Houston ; a friend of Syah & Aida )

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