Sometimes I wonder if I’m even doing the right thing. Amidst homeschooling three children, taking care of a multiple-allergic baby, and all the other extra stuff I am doing, I have often thought if taking up writing at this point in my life is a wise decision.
My mother told me, “It might be difficult for you to find time to write now. Maybe when they’re a little bigger.”
I see merit in her advice, to be honest, but my yearning to write still lingers. I realized that pre-baby, when the three kids were aged 7,6, and 5, I was able to find time to write, even though I was homeschooling. So maybe I should postpone, or rather maybe cut back on the number of commitments with regards to writing, for now at least?
Yesterday, I was writing up a post on the Motherverse blog, and yesterday, of all days, happened to be one of my bad days. I started writing up the post at the kitchen table, while feeding Baby Zoa, but had to stop because he was fussing. I then moved to the couch to continue writing up the post, but he kept fingering the laptop. So I gave up. Later in the afternoon, I started to place myself in front of the computer, but hubby came in the room, and I ended up chatting with him, after which he shooed me from the computer and took over. I lay on the bed, trying to nap, but I couldn’t.
That night, I tried again, and because the kids were asleep, Baby Zoa included, I was able to finally finish writing up that post, and another post on my homeschooling blog, but I hit the hay rather late, resulting in a morning nap today, which I don’t really like.
Hubby told me, when I told him of how I wasn’t able to do anything because of Baby Zoa’s irregular schedule,
“Write when they’re asleep.”
“When would I sleep then? He still wakes up at night,” I protested.
“Sleep when he naps, when you nurse him.”
Maybe there is something there in his suggestion. I find myself trying to steal and squeeze writing time during the day, because doing so gives me a sense of accomplishment. I used to aim for great goals, but I have learned to cut them up into small chunks and be satisfied with accomplishing small amounts (a big feat for a perfectionist!). Waiting for nighttime seems a little, I don’t know, unappealing to me, at least right now, when the summer days hog the 24 hours. During the day, there are stuff to do, I don’t guarantee I will be able to nap with him, and this would only result in severe sleep deprivation for me. No thank you!
So, I guess we’ll see how things turn out. Maybe I’ll yo yo in terms of how much writing I want to do. I did think,
Maybe it would be better for me to rack up knowledge in my deen at this young age, and postpone the worldly dreams for a later age. That way, my hereafter would inshaallah be more secure, and if Allah allows it, I can still get my writing done at the age when the mind is at its peak; 40.
Maybe that’s a better deal? My effort to write feels like it’s not being blessed much right now, maybe Allah has different plans for me. Maybe it’s time for istikharah…
